“I Hate God”

After reading a blog post published by a believer(?) expressing an honest, though emotional, outburst – a radical expression of his feelings toward God (by ripping apart his Bible and posting a picture of the mess), I began to reflect a bit more earnestly on my own blogging.  I had a visceral reaction to the title: I Hate God.  I figure my reaction was intended.  It caught my attention.  I was arrested… astonished… troubled by it.

Does this blogger really hate God?  REALLY???

After further investigation, I took him at his word.  Not sure his hate is ongoing, I expect it is an expression of his frustration with God – perhaps a very undisciplined expression.  Yet, maybe it’s a passing thing.  Maybe not, but maybe so.

What kind of enterprise is hating God?  Just how far can you go with that?  Where will it get you?

The only positive thing I can imagine about making such a statement is that perhaps you are finally honest and not deluding yourself.  Perhaps in God’s grace, coming to terms with your hate for God will get you both in a new place where you can honestly relate with each other.

It is a very vulnerable place to be.  Maddeningly vulnerable, in fact.  One you cannot sustain indefinitely.  Either God will finally give you up to your dishonorable passions and judge against you (think Romans 1) or you will finally cave to his infinite grace and turn to him with all authenticity of heart, having acknowledged that you began relating to him with hate.  And this latter option is all the more powerful since you come from the depths of your wayward heart without pretense into God’s mercy.

But it is a vulnerable place to be.

Maddeningly vulnerable.

I have no idea that the blogger I encountered makes this move with God.  I suspect there is a shock value in writing such a post.  It gets attention.  And if that is the sum total of the enterprise, then it is just another distraction in a marketplace of ideas.  After all, just where does hating God get you?  What is the prize for it?  If you are genuine about it?

Nevertheless, I find the post inspirational – in that Psalm 88 sense of “inspiration”.  I also find it crazy.  Yes, crazy – insane – nuts.  All of those politically incorrect, shame-filled terms for mental instability.

So much Christian blogging (my own included – often enough) amounts to voicing “shoulds” and “oughts”.  Fair enough.  There are things we should do… things we ought not do….  Talking about them is part of the job.  But blogging like that isn’t very creative or imaginative, I don’t think.  Writing can be powerful, and more of that from more people doesn’t inspire me much.

Ultimately hanging on a cross dying is the focal point of all God’s will for his creation.  The depths of mystery and power at that point are not reduced to matters of shoulds and oughts.  I will not exhaust its mystery or power in a blog post either, but I can open up a new line of thought: it is Jesus’ prophetic dramatization of God coming to be crowned king of his own people.  Just saying that opens up new avenues of theological exploration that holds the potential to gravitate your whole imagination.  This despite the overwhelming repulsion and repugnance of it!

Come to the foot of the cross and behold God made king of your heart and of all God’s people and ultimately of all creation.

That sounds crazy to me.  And vulnerable.  Jarring.  Stunning.  Shameful.  Painful, yet joyful.  Stripped of pretense.

If I am going to continue blogging, I hope to take readers THERE.  And hopefully to minister to the world a cruciform service to a young, Jewish prophet who dares to show us what it looks like when God takes the crown of his creation amid his own people turning out to hate him.  And if you are honest, you will find yourself there in that crowd one way or the other.


  1. Lily Pierce · August 24, 2018

    I like how you write, X–you’re “real.” Reducing the stunning and inexplicable demonstration of God’s love for humans through Jesus’ sacrifice to “shoulds” and “oughts” has diluted radical grace to legalism for many people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agent X · August 25, 2018

      Thanx Lily, coming from you, that is a real compliment.

      I have struggled (in general terms not at all unlike a lot of people) to continue blogging. This one is not my first by a long shot. I started blogging back in… I think 04. And for a while I juggled and participated in several blogs for about 3 years. Then I left it, came back, left it, and came back again. This last time at the urging of several friends, key among them – Agent B (who has long since stopped blogging himself).

      I am not making the connection I originally desired, and MOST of the connection I have now is not overly exciting to me. I tend to post thinking that I am laying down a marker for the future. Someday in the future, people in my life will get curious about what I had to say and they will come here to find it. But that is a strange fantasy that is not very likely either, and I have a hard time imagining what “success” that investment would hold IF it actually succeeded.

      Well, that is a lot of vague backstory to the motivation for this post. Vague enough I don’t even see the connection, but in some visceral/emotional sense, it connects in my mind.

      So… point being, I am looking for some changes. IF I continue this blog, I need to make changes to it. I recently (a month or two back) posted on being “cruciformed” and while that post was monstrously long and only slightly read, the feedback I got through the grapevine was important to me and has helped me to think about new directions. Its not the only factor, but a serious one. And I think I will do my best to feature cruciform ideals more in the future.


      This “I Hate God” post also touched a nerve with me as well. Not that I hate God, but that there is a sheer insanity to that kind of thinking. And I expect I will write a post soon about my experience with mental illness – and write it as an embrace of the stigma of it. To accept the shame of it – of all its cruel labels etc.

      I expect there is some cruciform potential there.

      Thanx so much for reading and encouraging me. I count you as a real critic. If you like what I write, that gives me great strength.

      So glad to have you here.

      God bless….



  2. Michael Bolstler · August 26, 2018

    Even in writing a post about another post with the name title, I think there is shock value. I got the notification in my email, and I was like, “WTF! I’ve only been reading him for a month or two and he’s gone over to the dark side.”

    It’s an interesting topic. While it often seems to me that a lot of people hate God with their actions and treatment of the least of Him, I almost never hear it expressed by words. In the title there is a certain honesty that I find refreshing, compared with those who babble incessantly on about love, even as hate festers around them.

    You have a great turn of phrase in: ‘it is Jesus’ prophetic dramatization of God coming to be crowned king of his own people’, even if we know the mystery is a little deeper than that. A time-travel motif does a little better imho, e.g. “It is Jesus travelling back to inform us that God gives second chances, and after we deny Him twice, God dies.”


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