A Fat Beggars Mailbox Fundraising Scheme

Okay, I am finally gonna do it (not really, I am being facetious with this – please don’t take this seriously), and start a fundraiser for Fat Beggars so we can “help” the homeless of Lubbock, Texas.

How am I gonna do it?

(Glad you asked.)

Simple.  I saw a news item running on the morning headlines about a young 16 year old, climate activist coming to America on a zero-emissions sail boat which she is taking around the world to raise awareness for climate issues (or what not…).

(DISCLAIMER HERE:  This post is not actually about “climate change,” so don’t get your hackles up.  I am personally sensitive to that issue, but not an activist for that cause.  I simply use this news item as an example and because it acts as a catalyst for my current thinking about a different issue, one which I actually do champion and argue about.  Please keep that in mind.  This post is NOT, therefore, debating the issue of climate change either for or against any political agendas related to it.)

So, anyway, I am hearing this headline-making story on the TV in the other room as I am doing other business, and I am thinking about how many on-going current stories are featuring or related to climate change (not least Amazon rainforest fire updates for the last several days).  And yet we have this teenager on a sailboat going around the world raising awareness and confronting world leaders about this issue, and even the newscasters I respect are sitting there opinionating on her spunk and personality, her dogged determination, and her important cause.  And I can’t help but think how the other headlines dealing with this issue are surely overshadowing this girl’s efforts already, making her mission redundant at best (it seems to me), yet garnering so much attention and sympathy.

I mean, I have a cause too.  My cause gets attention sometimes too (at least in general terms) and it actually raises lots of money also (just not for THIS ministry, or for the niche issues THIS ministry cares about).  I mean, The Premier Homeless Pseudo Church of Lubbock (not its real name) boasts a MILLION DOLLAR budget in recent years, and parades the names of individuals and organizations which donate on their website.  Yet, this same organization kicked me out of their “church” when I insisted that it should open its doors to the homeless when it freezes at night in Lubbock.

(See, this is actually my REAL issue to argue about.)

My cause, the one I actually want to raise REAL awareness about and for which I seek real change, is for the CHURCH of Lubbock to actually, and physically (and Spiritually), OPEN THE CHURCH HOUSE DOOR to the homeless – especially when the weather is bad.  WWJD???

Okay… so back to the point of this post.

See, here’s the thing:

I champion this “homeless cause” too, as does The Premier Homeless Pseudo Church AND a number of other churches, organizations, and individuals in Lubbock.  There is already a LOT of attention given to this issue and to a handful of these ministries/activists.  However, there is still this persistent sub-issue which goes regularly neglected, downplayed, and buried under all the other attention.  The CHURCH is closing her DOOR on the poor and needy and leaving homeless people in the streets night after night – even when it’s freezing cold in the winter.  This is where I come in.

I am almost redundant.  Almost unnecessary.  Almost not worth your attention.  Almost.

Now… IF you come camp out with me on the streets in front of a giant, multi-million dollar church house on a freezing cold night in December when the wind and wet is howling and blowing and you hunker down in your layers trying to SURVIVE the night, THEN IT WILL CROSS YOUR MIND: Wow!  If that big empty church house were to just open the door, we could really get warm and take some real shelter in there!

And IF I am there with you talking about it as the hours pass by with no relief, AND the misery overwhelms you, THEN MAYBE in five minutes or MAYBE in five hours, you will come to see that as a SPIRITUAL matter of loving Jesus.  ANY CHURCH HE IS A PART OF WILL LEAVE THE 99 TO SEEK THE LOST AND BRING THEM IN TO THIS SHEEPFOLD!  In fact, as soon as this idea comes home to roost for you, shivering there in the cold, you will suddenly see it is a NO BRAINER!  And that ignoring it is a NO HEARTER!!!


Yeah.  THIS is the niche being neglected that I champion.  It is an important one.

And here I am hearing a news item on the national broadcast morning program about a 16 year old girl, whose name I can’t remember, and all about her spunk and determination and her effort to raise awareness for an issue that was featured in three or four other news items already before we got around to her, and I am thinking:  Wow!  I need in on THAT!

Of course the girl in the news this morning has a zero-emissions boat and is going all around the world.  I can’t actually see the relevance in all that.  Why does she need to actually travel like this in order to promote her message?  And for that matter, I am not able to run off and go around the world either.  I am stuck a little closer to home.

Nevertheless, this reminded me of a similar tactic used for fundraising I encountered at The Premier Homeless Pseudo Church years ago, before I was kicked out AND before they found other means of raising money – money on the order of a MILLION DOLLARS.  Yes.  BEFORE all that, there was a special flyer leadership passed around featuring a fundraiser asking for donations per mile.  You see there was this nature lover dude in Colorado (not Texas even) who planned to hike the totality of the Colorado Trail, crossing the mountains and the state of Colorado over the course of the summer.  It’s an ambitious undertaking, to say the least.  But he was raising money and awareness for homeless ministries, and Premier Homeless Pseudo Church signed on to be one of his beneficiaries.  Thus, the “church” was promoting this fundraising scheme.

Don’t get me wrong here.  I totally get that as a helping organization, Premier Homeless Pseudo Church has operating costs and service goals which cost money and that raising funds through various imaginative methods is standard procedure.  I get all of that.  I did not in anyway oppose that fundraiser, but I really did not understand it either.

Here’s what I mean:

We have SOME GUY in another state hiking a nature trail all summer long.  For him, it’s a vacation.  In fact, I kinda envy the guy.  I wanna hike a nature trail too!  In fact, I am FROM Colorado, and I have hiked part of that trail myself, and so I know what an awesome adventure this guy is setting out to enjoy.  But, if I go hike that trail, it has NOTHING to do with homeless, with raising any money, or awareness of anything.  In fact, it just puts me out the money of time off work and expense for supplies, BUT IT MAKES FOR A NICE VACATION!

Of course that’s just if I do it.

This GUY I don’t know, on the other hand, is serving Jesus step after step by doing the very thing that would be selfish if I did it.  But hey!  Other than that… it makes perfect sense.

AND this girl sailing around the world to promote her agenda for issues having to do with climate change make me recall that other fundraiser from the distant past, and also give me an idea.

So… I told you ALL OF THAT so I can say this:

Agent X is now embarking on a trip to my mailbox to get the mail.  I have calculated that the average number of paces round trip from my front door to my mailbox is just over 56.  Thus I am asking you, my dear reader (Once Again I Am BEING FACETIOUS ABOUT THIS), donate $1 per step, and I am sure we can finally get the church of Lubbock to actually OPEN THE DOOR to the poor and homeless this winter.

(Disclaimer again: Unless of course Global Warming prevents us from having a cold winter, in which case, kiss your money goodbye!.. I will just get some new shoes to replace the ones I wear out checking the mail!)

Please make checks payable to:

(oh, I forgot who to make it out to… or where to send it… actually, just send it all to my mailbox!  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  After all, I will be walking out there to check the mail anyway, so just for convenience sake…  It’s all part of this important service to Jesus!)



One comment

  1. harolene · August 28, 2019

    You are hysterical!!! Truth in humor is always easier to swallow. It goes down before they realize what they’ve just ingested! Maybe it will help. You have my daddy’s heart and spirit. So glad you do ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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