TWO HORNY DIVORCED PREACHERS AND A 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

I must have some seriously misplaced moral outrage.  I am always trying to do a little personal soul searching, a little self-assessing, a little review of my beliefs, worldview, self-story, and praxis.  Most of this process happens on autopilot.  There are some standard observations which keep finding themselves hovering near the conclusion quite frequently.  Nothing dishonest about it, really, but perhaps even the review process needs reviewed every now and again.

So, I am recalling that breakfast Raymond K. Hessel enjoys the next morning after having a “near life experience” the night before when he encounters Tyler Durden and the nameless protagonist.  His breakfast has never tasted so good.  You gotta hand it to Tyler.  He really makes sense in a Tyler kinda way.  (Google that if you don’t follow… I am sure you will run right into all the referencing I just gave you.)

But, of course, Tyler Durden, in addition to being a figment of the imagination of Chuck Palahniuk and an alter ego of the nameless protagonist, is, in the final analysis, ever bit as much a distraction from what truly is important in life as an ad on my TV.  And, of course, that notion is part of the autopilot review process too.  The thing is, though, that if everyone in the world, or certainly the modern/post modern west, were to catch on, really catch on, and induce social and economic change in our culture, the satirical quality would have actually communicated, and we would all be better for it.  However, the fact that it has not, coupled with the fact that I alone, or at least as part of a very small, select, and impotent group of protesters, see the light no one else sees, means I keep this observation on autopilot thinking I have achieved some moral and spiritual enlightenment that I actually have not.

In the end, I am no better than the rest of you down there in the muck.  And it occurs to me, why I like huevos rancheros so much.

Have you ever had huevos rancheros in Albuquerque?  And I don’t mean huevos rancheros purchased at a franchised, chain restaurant down by the interstate next to the hotel either.  I mean from a local joint where the locals eat.  Have you ever had them there???

Well, I have.  And like so much Mexican food, the flair they have for it all across New Mexico makes the state an eating destination.  You really must visit New Mexico FOR THE FOOD.  Not the sea food or the Chinese food… okay,  but for the Mexican food!  (Try the green sauce!)

But as I sit here eating my own home-made version which pales by comparison, but allows me to remember how good they once were, I suddenly remember, as Paul Harvey would put it, “the rest of the story.”

Why was I in Albuquerque that weekend?  It wasn’t, ostensibly, for the food.

I was there as a recently divorced …well it was sorta recent at that point… preacher-type accompanying another divorced preacher-type visiting the state for an extended weekend which was a trip offered to me as a sidekick.  But the point for my friend was to meet face-to-face with a woman he had met on a dating site, a Christian dating site, if I understood him correctly.  She claimed to be a virgin at 40 years old, and, of course, I had to see that!

Okay… not that I was there for the pertinent moments of her life, but then if she was being honest about that, neither was she.  All I know is that I was offered a fun trip which would involve us meeting this woman, which we ultimately did for breakfast before church and for an afternoon of hiking afterward.

Nice lady.  I barely remember her though.  But she had suggested the huevos rancheros at a particularly celebrated local joint, and THAT part I recall very well.

But as I tell you about how wonderful the food was and the restaurant and maybe give you directions so you can visit Albuquerque and try them for yourself, it occurs to me that I am overlooking a herd of elephants in the room.

To my knowledge, no one actually fornicated on that trip.  However, I suppose it was possible that it could have happened without my knowledge.  Unlikely, as I recall it.  And, in fact, I think part of the reason I was invited was to be a chaperone or maybe a witness for the defense.  It did occur to me that 40 year old virgins are surely very rare.  So rare that to believe a person really is a 40 year old virgin means taking that information on faith AND feeling the tax on your trust.

However, if that is true about a person, it suggests that person has issues of other kinds which might be rather foreign in nature.  Actually, that is possible even if not true.  I don’t know very many prudes.  But I am thinking there is a good chance they are rather uptight people.  And especially as far as sex is concerned, I wonder if such a person has ever accused someone else of inappropriate advances or worse.  That wouldn’t mean the accusations are baseless, but it would seem such a person might err to that side of caution.  Might want a witness around to back up your story.  Maybe that is why I was invited.

But with further reflection on all this, I am thinking how far afield the whole experience, even with the prudence, was from ANYTHING we Christian-types put in the brochures.  Two middle aged divorced men driving across state lines to meet a woman is already sounding like fodder for a bad country song.  Make them preachers, and the song just writes itself.

I, of course, did not misbehave on that trip, and I feel confident …though it has been many years now, and so I am working with some old memories… that my traveling companion did not either.  So, I came home and filed the whole story in a tame memory file marked “huevos rancheros.”  I recall the tram ride up Sandia Mountain too, but the meal is what stood out the most to me.

But isn’t that strange really?

Isn’t that actually even stranger than a 40 year old virgin?

Shouldn’t the virgin part, the divorce part, the meeting women on dating websites part stand out more than the food?  What about the sexual tension?  Two men talking about a virgin may not in itself be the sexual experience, but surely it pushes all manner of buttons in the sexual imagination department!  No???  And, oh, though I don’t recall the specifics now, I am certain that must have been fodder for a fair bit of our conversation on that trip.

 

All this distraction.  A whole herd of elephants in the room, and I am trying to nail down just how did they prepare those beans and eggs?

 

But, and this is where it is easy for ME to get distracted, this isn’t just my problem.  We all do this.

There isn’t a day goes by that my four year old doesn’t tell me about a new toy truck he wants.  He sees them advertised on TV, Mama’s phone, or in the catalogs.  By far, mostly he gets hooked on the electronic devices.  And he can’t shut up about it for an hour!  He goes on and on and on about that new toy he wants.

He has a ton of toys already.  The last thing my kid NEEDS in life is another toy.  I am trying, God help me, to teach him about Jesus, but it is clear to me that his heart is enraptured with the notion of a new toy truck.

I don’t get quite so enraptured with huevos rancheros, though the older I get, the more that seems plausible.

But honestly, I am blown away by the fact that the gas pump tries to sell me a cup of coffee or some gum gum worms right when I was aching over the price per gallon.  THE GAS PUMP!

It’s not enough that my Matlock program gets interrupted with six commercial breaks each one lasting four minutes leaving me with only fifteen minutes of program content.  And somehow my mind manages to bridge those gaps and keep up with the story as Matlock gets the guy off.  I am being sold stuff I don’t want, don’t need, and in fact probably hate at every turn between the TV, the radio, the internet, billboards, the Jones’s next door, magazines and catalogs, the Gruen Effect once I am in the store, and word of mouth.  So many other people are making plans for my money and my next thought long before I arrive, and I am likely to not remember the exchange five minutes after it is done.

 

But I, as a Christian man, am “fixing my eyes on Jesus” for all I am worth, and I am reading the Purpose Driven Life, drinking my coffee, purchased at the charity support coffee shop, from the Purpose Driven coffee mug, and meditating with my handsome, leather-bound, Purpose Driven journal every day.  Yet, I am constantly facing distractions I don’t even see.

 

I would think, you would think (if we were actually thinking) that our world and our church is in trouble with all these distractions.  When I was a kid, the preachers were warning us of Judgment to come!  We got our cages rattled once in a while, but these days we are asleep at the wheel and purpose driving at 100 mph around dead man’s curve.

What is Jesus going to say at the Judgment?

Is he going to say, “Why didn’t you take up your cross and follow me?  I sent you child-molesting priests proclaiming my salvation and administering the sacraments.  Where was your head?  Your heart???”

Somehow, I think we got this off a cog somewhere.

I found divorce care at church to be a brothel.  The pastor didn’t, but I did.  I didn’t see the pastor at the brothel, but then maybe I just wasn’t looking.  Huh?

My white, middle-class church has a million dollar sanctuary, a million dollar family life center, and a million dollar piece of real estate paved for parking Lexus, Cadillac, and Lincoln as we do our sacrament taking.  We have ski trips for the youths, and brothels for the divorced.  Everyone is taking up a cross and following Jesus with their purpose driven tee shirts and bumper stickers right to the voter’s booth so they can pay less taxes.

So, I really enjoyed my eggs this morning.  How about you?

 

Oh… look!  They have toy trucks on Amazon for fifty percent off!!!

 

Act now while supplies last.

5 comments

  1. Harolene Leguizamon · 13 Days Ago

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bible blogger · 13 Days Ago

    You have an interesting blog. You are a very keen observer. You look at the from the kingdom perspective. Yes, we humans do have vulnerability. You have painted a quite vivid picture. Thanks for sharing and following my blog. Be blessed in the name of Yeshua Meshiakh. Halleluyah 🙌

    Liked by 1 person

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